Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My neck my back my allergy attack
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine