Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
So creative 😂
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How wrong was this guy?
Planet of the Apps.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine