Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#merica

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how