Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Botany good plants lately?