Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.