Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Maths meets science
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.