Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Orange is oranging 🟠
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
