Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.