Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️