Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all