Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

#FunnyLife Insects

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Couple goals

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!