Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.