Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

real

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.