Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

There is no “ea” in Tim.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu