Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Hitlers gonna hitl

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?