[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
You Might Also Like
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no