[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
when someone compliments me
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.