Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.