Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Never mess with a drunken pig.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

I love it

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw