Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Good morning.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
how it started vs how it ended
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.