You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.