Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.