Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.


Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying


I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.


Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.


genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no


Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn


Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.