Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Oh. My. God.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
We know he can swim but…
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.