Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
We don’t deserve birds.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Family Celebrity
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
