Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!