Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My love language is hissing.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..