Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

🏙👨🏼

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

If you know, you know

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”