Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

the only bumper sticker ill allow

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

I try

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey