Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.