Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing