Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
😩😩😩
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Lmfao
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.