Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline