Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
