Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
okay run it by me one more time
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.