Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.