Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.