Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …