POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
i made a craigslist ad !
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
