Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.