Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

meow

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Why font matters.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?