Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.