Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
*limbos away from your hug*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
What about second breakfast?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.