Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

…żyje?

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.