Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Hello, my name is Pierre.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop