Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.