Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.