I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.
Next month on the 13th, the date will be 13/13/13.
“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy