Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems legit

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.