Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

#Caturday

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot