Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Well, this certainly took a turn

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep