*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
I put the h in mysterious.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
multitasking lunch
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”