Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Blew my mind.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Proctologist = Analyst