Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Saw your ex at the shops
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.