Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

ㅤ

Guys which shade of gery should I get

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

👽

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers