Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

me: my friends:

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.