Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet