Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.