Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

a lot to unpack here

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Jesus Christ lmao

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.