[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes