[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
how long have you had this for?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat