Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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*updates tinder bio*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Need WebMD
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
#parenting
