Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

*watches the world burn*

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.