Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.