Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here