“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no