Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.