Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Raisins are grape jerky.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
There are no pants in heaven.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Good boy 😂😂
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!