Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.