Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1635022095443738624/pu/vid/540x668/z7DExOFK0s5GcgV7.mp4?tag=12

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.