Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How many? 🤔
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Just a phase…
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.