Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Happy birthday to all the women
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE