Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Holy crap this is wonderful
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Gas station lines at 2 am:
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!