Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”