Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.