@CornOnTheGoblin

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

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@JJSummertime

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@not_thenanny

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

@TheBoydP

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

@TwinSurvivalist

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

@bylinetd

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

@wickedimproper

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…

@EndhooS

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

@aksorojas

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you