My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you