[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair