Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Mice are just frozen Mwater.