Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Now colored!

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

[eats all your cotton candy]

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.