[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
You Might Also Like
That was easy.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.