Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.