Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Golf would be better with landmines.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?